Hollywood has hindered our understanding of love. Our movies are filled with impressionable tales of romance that reinforce our illusions about how a loving relationship is actually created.

Romantic love is not real love at all. It is a kind of euphoria produced by the fantasy that we will be rescued from our unhappiness by another person. It is like a drug that eventually wears off, and when it does, we believe we have fallen out of love. In The Spirit of Intimacy, renowned author Sobonfu Somé writes, “Romantic love is an attraction that cuts off spirit and community, leaving two people to invent a relationship by themselves. It is the opposite of a relationship that lets spirit be the guide.”

Authentic love, on the other hand, is a spiritual partnership between two people who are committed to supporting each other in their growth and empowerment. Central to authentic love is the practice of consciousness – cultivating keen self-awareness and responsibility for how we relate to ourselves and our partners. This involves being willing to go through the uncomfortable process of developing emotional intimacy. Rather than running from conflict, we can summon the courage to uncover the root cause of it and work toward a harmonious resolution. Authentic love is not a magical feeling that suddenly falls upon us, leaving us high and starry-eyed. It is a deep compassion that results from healing old wounds and opening the heart with greater and greater trust.

In the context of a conscious relationship, romantic gestures are meaningful and appropriate. They can intensify the expression of love and heighten the passion in the dance of courtship. They are not a substitute for consciousness, however. While romance has its place in an intimate relationship, it should never be considered the foundation. If there is too much emphasis on romance, both partners will eventually discover that they are living in illusion, with little connection to each other’s true identity. Remember, romance is just a side dish. Consciousness is the main course.

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